


The Waitress Has Amnesia

by InsanityRule



Series: It's Always Sunny Script Fics [2]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Amnesia, F/M, dubious relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3623319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/InsanityRule
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one that's the most forgotten is the one to forget them all.</p><p>Or</p><p>Charlie's last ditch effort to get to date the Waitress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me alone I can dream.

[10:40 am.]  
[On a Friday.]  
[Philadelphia, PA.]  
[Hospital emergency room.]  
Doctor: Mr. Green you need to hold still.  
[It’s Charlie.]  
Charlie: [Squirming.] Can’t you just rip it out?  
[Charlie’s in a tank top. He has a throwing star in his right arm.]  
Doctor: How did this happen?  
Charlie: Well you know how it goes.  
Doctor: No, no I-  
[A familiar voice.]  
[Charlie parks up.]  
Charlie: Hey! [Hops up and walks off.]  
Doctor: Sir!  
Charlie: [Walks across the hall into an open exam room.] Hi!  
Nurse: Get out!  
Charlie: I didn’t know you were here. [Walks up to the bed where the Waitress is sitting.]  
Waitress: What is in your arm?  
Charlie: Oh, throwing star. [Holds his arms out.] Yeah, Mac’s aim is really shitty.  
Waitress: Mac?  
Nurse: Do you know each other?  
Charlie: Yeah. [Waitress at the same time: No.] What? C’mon you know me.  
Waitress: I’m sorry, I… have no clue who you are.  
Charlie: [Huffs and looks confused.] Wh- but we- I- what?

[The Waitress Has Amnesia.]  
[Theme Music.]

[Charlie is walking with the Waitress.]  
Waitress: Are you sure this is my place? [Bandaged head.]  
Charlie: Yeah this is the place. [Unlocks her door.] It’s gotten kinda grungy I guess.  
Waitress: Well, that’s okay. Thanks for walking me. You’re way more helpful than my emergency contacts. No one answered their phone.  
Charlie: Man that sucks. Guess you should get those changed huh?  
Waitress: Maybe. Say, you never said why we know each other.  
Charlie: Well, we went to highschool together and we still talk and stuff. And sometimes I walk [Follow.] you home to make sure you get back.  
Waitress: That sounds nice. I wish I remembered.  
Charlie: Haha. [Sighs.] Well, um, I have work so I guess I’ll uh…  
Waitress: Are you okay?  
Charlie: What? Uh, yeah I’m fine, yeah. It’s just… we’re…  
Waitress: You’ve been really weird all day. Is there something you’re not telling me?  
Charlie: What? No, no, never no. [Sweaty.]  
Waitress: I’ve got it.  
Charlie: Oh no.  
Waitress: We’re dating, aren’t we.  
Charlie: What.  
Waitress: Well, you’ve been really helpful and you have a key to my place.  
Charlie: Huh oh that? It’s nothing-  
Waitress: You didn’t want to pressure me into anything before I remembered. That’s really sweet of you.  
Charlie: Yeah, uh, you got it right. Dating. You and me. [Breathing heavy.]  
[Walking upstairs.]  
Waitress: You alright?  
Charlie: Hah, yeah I’m okay.  
Waitress: [Looking around.] Why don’t I have pictures of you?  
Charlie: Huh? Well, it hasn’t been that long and [Finds a picture of Dennis and crumples it up.] you know, it’s just kinda new. No rush. Why do you… do you want one?  
Waitress: Maybe. You know this means we get to go on a super awkward first date again.  
Charlie: [Chokes on air.] Yeah?  
[Awkward staring.]  
Waitress: So um… do I have a job?  
Charlie: Uh, two. One’s a food delivery thing and the other’s coffee, but the Starbucks across the street-  
Waitress: I work at Starbucks?  
Charlie: No you work at the other place but the business-  
Waitress: So I should get a job at Starbucks.  
Charlie: You want to do that?  
Waitress: Well, clearly my current job isn’t working out.  
Charlie: Yeah… uh… we can go, sure. Um, but I gotta run by the bar quick. I- I work there. Not going to get free booze or chicks or-  
Waitress: I can go with you.  
Charlie: Yeah? Yeah, okay.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Mac is balancing a shot glass on his forehead. It’s full.]  
Dennis: Anytime now.  
Mac: This is an art Dennis.  
Dee: Just flip the Goddamn shit into your mouth already. Or spill it, like we know you will.  
Dennis: I don’t think you have the skills to do this Mac.  
Mac: [Red face.] I have the skills! [Shot drops and spills on him.] Damn it!  
[Charlie and the Waitress walk in.]  
Charlie: They’re a little loud but- oh hey guys.  
Dee: What…?  
Dennis: Waitress?  
Waitress: Is that a nickname?  
Charlie: Yeah don’t worry about it. Guys, c’mon, introduce yourselves you’re embarrassing me.  
Dee: Oh really? [Doing an accent.]  
Charlie: Really Dee? [Points as he says.] Dee, Dennis, Mac.  
Dennis; What is going on here?  
Mac: Did you drug her?  
Charlie: What! No!  
Waitress: Do they know me or something?  
Dennis: We know who you are. Why are you with Charlie?  
Waitress: [To Charlie.] Did they now know about us dating?  
Charlie: Ahahah why don’t you uh… God I can’t think of anything can you wait outside?  
Waitress: Sure.  
[Waitress leaves.]  
Dennis: Okay dude, what the hell was that?  
Dee: How’d you brainwash her?  
Charlie: I didn’t brainwash her. She’s like, Amish.  
Dennis: Oh, amnesia. Really dude, Amish?  
Charlie: She thinks we’re dating!  
Dee: Hoo boy. Charlie that’s bad. Real bad.  
Charlie: But the beach, and we were having fun, she’s being super nice to me.  
Dennis: Because she doesn’t know who you are!  
Mac: And she doesn’t remember you being a creepy stalker.  
[Frank enters.]  
Frank: What’s that broad doing here?  
Dee: Oh she thinks she’s dating Charlie.  
Frank: Congratulations Charlie.  
Charlie: Thanks Frank.  
Dee: No. No Congratulations. She’s got that amnesia bullshit.  
Frank: No fooling? Charlie you better not bang her.  
Charlie: I’m not gonna bang her.  
Mac: Dude you’re obsessed with her! Of course you’ll bang her!  
Charlie: I’m not just gonna bang her!  
Dennis: He has a system. Charlie I knew you had it in you.  
Charlie: What?  
Dennis: You’re DENNISing her. Demonstrating Value. Well, who doesn’t appreciate help in a medical emergency. Next you’ll be Engaging Physically.  
Charlie: Dude that’s weird. I’m just gonna help out like I usually do.  
Dee: The only difference is you let her think you’re dating.  
Charlie: Yeah.  
Dee: That’s like Dennis level wrong.  
Charlie: Look, see… no one else is gonna help out and I know her routine so whatever. Man to hell with you guys.  
[Charlie leaves.]  
Mac: This is no good.  
Dennis: Terrible. He’s doing it all wrong.  
Dee: Dennis oh my God. If something happens he’s getting arrested for sure.  
Dennis: Oh shit, the Charlie work.  
Mac: Frank will lose his shit if Charlie’s gone again.  
Frank: It’s true. I’m gonna lay low till this blows over.  
Dee: We still gotta do something.  
Dennis: Guys, we know what we have to do.


	2. Chapter 2

[Charlie and Waitress at Starbucks.]  
Waitress: Charlie I don’t know half of this… or this page either. How am I supposed to apply for a job?  
Charlie: Well, I might remember some stuff.  
Waitress: Um… social security number. Do you know where I keep the card?  
Charlie: I got this it’s… uh… I mean no, wait. I thought you meant uh… No, I don’t know. [Tugging at his collar.]  
Waitress: Okay…? Oh, look, I wrote waitress on my name instead of the experience line.  
Charlie: Of course you did. [Muttering curses to the gang.]

[Outside Waitress’ apartment window.]  
Dee: What are they doing in there?  
Mac: Sitting.  
Dee: This is boring as shit. Where’s Dennis?  
Mac: He said he needed to get ready so he can seduce her.  
Dee: Are you kidding me?  
Mac: It’s for Charlie Dee he doesn’t want to bang her.  
Dee: Uh huh.  
Mac: This is to keep Charlie out of prison.  
Dee: Dennis is only helping so he doesn’t have to do Charlie work. [Mac looks guilty.] Oh. My. God.  
Mac: It’s not just that! Look Dee, Charlie is my friend and he’s like a brother to me but I would not turn into a stalker for him.  
Dee: You already have! How many times have you followed the Waitress with him?  
Mac: That doesn’t count.  
Dee: It does too count! You two are unbelievable.

[Inside Waitress’ apartment.]  
Waitress: Okay, so Dee and Dennis are twins.  
Charlie: Yep.  
Waitress: And Mac thinks he’s good at karate. And his family owns McDonalds?  
Charlie: No they’re poor as shit. But his name is Ronald McDonald so- [Both laugh.]  
Waitress: Your friends are weird.  
Charlie: Yeah, and Dee looks like-  
Waitress: A bird?  
Charlie: Huh, yeah! We always say that. Always… [Thoughtful.]

[Outside Window.]  
Dee: God Damn it.  
Mac: What?  
Dee: This is sickening, watching them.  
Mac: They aren’t even doing anything.  
Dee: Exactly. It’s so normal looking. He’s planning something.  
Mac: They’re leaving! Move bird! [Shoves Dee out of the way to climb down.]

[Outside front door.]  
Waitress: We can take my bike.  
Charlie: Both of us?  
Waitress: Yeah, you pedal and I’ll sit on the handle bars.  
Charlie: Right… [Scratching his head.] I’ll just… [Wobbily gets on bike. Tips over when he tries to pedal.]  
Waitress: You seriously don’t know how to ride?  
Charlie: What? Pff I know how to ride a bike. This one must be a-uh…  
Waitress: I can pedal.  
Charlie: Yeah?  
Waitress: [Gets on bike.] And you can stand on ba- [He sits on the bars.] or that. You have to give me directions.  
Charlie: I’m a pro at directions. Forward! [Points.] Ah stop!

[Alley by apartment.]  
Mac: If you’d flapped your arms you wouldn’t have fallen so hard.  
Dee: Or maybe you could’ve not pushed me into a dumpster! [Covered in trash.] What the hell are those two doing?  
Mac: Riding a bike. I think they hit something. They're on the move. Shit! Dee, I’m fastest so I’ll follow. [Takes off.]  
Dee: To hell with this. [Leaves.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Dennis is looking in a hand mirror.]  
Dee: Done prissing up?  
Dennis: I look fantastic. Why aren’t you following Charlie?  
Dee: They used a bike. Mac ran after them. Probably lost them.  
Mac: [Bursts in the door.] Guys. [Winded.] Guys I lost them.  
Dee: Told you.  
Mac: They took off on a motorcycle.  
Dennis: Dee said it was a bike.  
Mac: Yeah. How else do you think I lost them?  
Dee: Bicycle. No motor.  
Mac: Liar!  
Dennis: There’s no way either of them can handle a motorcycle. So what you’re telling me is Charlie could already be banging her. And in public.  
Dee: I really doubt that.  
Dennis: Well I grabbed this. [Puts a video camera on the counter.] Videotape Charlie.  
Dee: Why? We’re already sneaking around following him.  
Dennis: Backup plan. If she won’t go for me maybe we can show Charlie how creepy this really is.  
Mac: I like it. Charlie is good with pictures.  
Dennis: And words certainly aren’t working.  
Dee: Okay fine. I’m not filming anything if they bang.  
Mac: Yeah no one wants to see that.


	3. Chapter 3

[Park with giant fountain.]  
Dee: Are you sure they’re here?  
Mac: Gotta be. The cats don’t follow Charlie here.  
Dee: Well that’s stupid oh shit there they are.  
[Charlie and Waitress sitting on fountain edge.]  
Mac: What are they doing?  
Dee: [Zooms in with camera.] Talking. This sucks a dick.  
Mac: We should hide so Charlie doesn’t catch on. [Tugs Dee into the bushes.]  
Dee: Easy! Oh my God there’s so many condoms. Gross! [Both duck out to hide behind a bench.]  
Mac: I thought this was a nice park!  
Dee: Degenerate Park maybe. [Focuses camera again. They’re gone.] Shit. Lost them.  
Mac: What? How’d you lose them?  
Dee: I’m sorry I was busy dodging stale jizz. Unbelievable.  
Mac: There! [Points.]  
[Charlie’s sitting on the bike while Waitress pulls, walking backwards.]  
[She stops and kisses him.]  
Dee: [Sets down the camera.] Fuck.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
Mac: Dennis!  
Dee: Dennis!  
Mac: I said it first! [Elbows Dee.] Dennis it’s bad!  
Dee: She kissed him Dennis you gotta start Operation Seduction Waitress now.  
Dennis: [Raises his eyebrows.] What operation? Flirt with who now? Oh, Charlie’s fake girlfriend? You mean the woman Charlie just asked me to ‘keep an eye on’? The one that’s sitting RIGHT OVER THERE.  
[Pan camera. She’s listening to music.]  
Mac: We… we stopped for coffee on the way. [Puppy face.]  
Dennis: Don’t pout at me. I already tried flirting it didn’t go anywhere.

[Flashback.]  
Dennis: Alright alright alright. [McConaughey voice.] What can I get ya?  
Waitress: Why are you talking weird?  
Dennis: Wh- It’s McConaughey.  
Waitress: Is that someone else I should know?  
Dennis: Yes, you should. He’s a sexy man with a deep, sultry voice and-  
Waitress: Is he your boyfriend?  
Dennis: [Silence.] You know what I’ll just get you a beer.  
Waitress: How about water? Charlie said something about being an alcoholic. I really shouldn’t be in a bar either. But I brought some music to listen to so it should be fine.

[Present.]  
Dennis: So now I’m apparently dating McConaughey which honestly sounds like an okay deal.  
Mac: He’s not even that muscular dude.  
Dennis: But he does know how to strip tease.  
[Mac nods, accepting the counter offer.]  
Dee: McConaughey boners aside, what do we do now?  
Dennis: More important matters have come up for me and Mac. You get to stay here with the Waitress while we go.  
Dee: What now?  
Dennis: Mac you ready to see it?  
Mac: Oh! Yeah dude! Shit I totally forgot.  
Dee: What the hell is going on?  
Dennis: Insurance Dee. I filed for an arson claim to fix the apartment.  
Dee: It was arson before! Why now?  
Dennis: This time it wasn’t one of us so they can’t put anyone in jail. And we didn’t have to pay.  
Dee: So you boners are moving out?  
Dennis: What? No.  
Dee: What do you mean no!  
Dennis: It’s completely empty. Sure we’ll pop in there once and a while, test the proverbial waters, but we need furniture.  
Mac: And a kitchen.  
Dennis: It’s only walls right now. And furniture is expensive so it could be awhile.  
Mac: Oh and the bathroom!  
Dennis: See? We can’t go back yet.  
Dee: You assholes better start buying shit.  
Dennis: More important for you Dee, you need to try and jog the Waitress’ memory.

[Dennis and Mac’s apartment.]  
Dennis: It looks even better than before.  
Mac: I miss having a bed.  
Dennis: Baby steps. I think priority one is getting a bathroom.  
Mac: And a fridge.  
Dennis: Warm beer is terrible I’ll give you that. You know we can use this as a hideout. Some alone time for a few hours.  
Mac: Yeah, yeah let’s get the fridge!  
Dennis: That’s the spirit.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
Dee: So, how’s it going with Charlie?  
Waitress: Huh? [Takes off headphones.]  
Dee: Charlie. He’s an interesting guy.  
Waitress: I guess.  
Dee: Yeah, yeah he loves going on walks. And you know, he’s super good at sneaking around.  
Waitress: What?  
Dee: Yeah. Cats love him too.  
Waitress: Why are you saying all this?  
Dee: Uh… say, you know what I like? Uh, music.  
Waitress: Yeah… me too.  
Dee: What else do you like? Like… [Blanks.]  
Waitress: Um… well I’m just… music. [Puts the headphones back on.]  
Charlie: [Enters.] Hey Dee. [Dee waves, Waitress looks up.] Ready to go interview or whatever?  
Waitress: Yeah. Your friends are weird. I didn’t know Dennis is dating some guy named McConaughey?  
[Dee makes angry strangling faces as they leave.]  
[Mac and Dennis enter as she stops.]  
Dennis: I think it’s better if we don’t ask.  
Dee: We have a new problem. I don’t know a God damned thing about her. Made zero progress.  
Mac: We don’t care Dee.  
Dennis: No, no we do care Mac. I know we were celebrating but this is important. Now, how about we break out the chalkboard and brainstorm?

[Three hours later.]  
[The chalkboard is blank.]  
Dennis: This is pathetic.  
Mac: Maybe if we [Writes Waitress.] start here, and-  
Dee: It’s not even her name.  
Dennis: Wait! Coffee!  
Mac: Right! [Adds it.]  
Dee: She’s totally an alcoholic.  
Mac: Oh man we’re getting somewhere.  
[Silence.]  
Mac: That’s all we know?  
Dee: Facebook! We’ll friend her!  
Dennis: Won’t work. She doesn’t have ‘the online’.  
Dee: Damn it those two idiots are made for each other. Do we seriously not know anything else?  
Dennis: I think it’s time to face facts. Charlie got the Waitress.


	4. Chapter 4

[Montage.]  
[Charlie and Waitress doing stupidly cute early dating picnics and bike riding it’s gross.]  
[Mac and Dennis in furniture stores testing out all the couches.]  
[Chalkboard still mostly empty. Dennis adds ‘Sex: One Star.’]

[Six weeks later.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Charlie whistling while he cleans.]  
Dee: Someone’s in a good mood.  
Dennis: I know why. You Engaged Physically didn’t you.  
Charlie: No dude. It’s just awesome you know?  
Dennis: So you will soon, I got it. You’ll be wanting sex tips about now?  
Charlie: Guys I know about sex. [Glances at Dee. She looks at the ceiling.] And I’m not just trying to bang her dude. I love her.  
Dee: I’m surprised you let her out of your sight right now.  
Charlie: She remembered like, bad neighborhoods and stuff.  
Dee: Stuff?  
Charlie: Like… like how her delivery job was bad and some person was following her and…  
Dee: Charlie that was you!  
Charlie: She didn’t even like that job! And I was the careful one. It was Frank that freaked her out.  
Dee: This is probably the worst thing you’ve ever done.  
Mac: You’re going to hell dude.  
[Charlie drops the broom and storms into the back office.]  
Dee: It’s been two months. When the hell is this going to end?  
Dennis: It may never end. She’s barely remembered a Goddamn thing.  
Dee: What if she never remembers Charlie’s a creep?  
Mac: Well, she wouldn’t call the cops so… Charlie wouldn’t go to jail?  
Dennis: Then we have to make sure she doesn’t remember. To the chalkboard.  
Mac: But Charlie’s in the office.  
Dennis: Shit. Well, thank God he can’t read the board.  
[All three crowd around the door.]  
Mac: Charlie?  
Charlie: No!  
Dennis: Dee use the vent.  
Dee: No way! You’ll never get me in those.  
Mac: Charlie can we get the chalkboard?  
[The door opens and Charlie shoves the board at them. He’s nearly crying. Slams the door shut.]  
Dennis: Okay. [Awkward pause.] Let’s start over.  
Dee: Waitress. Um. No more coffee.  
Dennis: Right! We need to get her fired.  
Dee: Well, no, see we’ve done that before and then she might remember because of that.  
Dennis: Shit you’re right.  
Mac: We can call in a bomb threat! She’ll think her new job isn’t safe.  
Dennis: Perfect. [Adds bomb.] Remember to use a payphone okay buddy?  
Dee: Um, she’s got a drinking problem.  
Mac: Charlie said she forgot why she even drank before.  
Dee: Honestly it was probably Charlie.  
Mac: Yeah.  
Dennis: Well, I do love it when problems solve themselves. Next item?  
Mac: We need Charlie for this. He knows her the best.  
Dee: Fine, I’ll get him.  
[Dee knocks on the door. Charlie upturns something.]  
Dee: Charlie? [Opens the door. A chair is shoved through the vent.] Oh boy. Hey Charlie. [Kneels in front of him.] Got you kind of worked up out there huh.  
Charlie: I just want to help. [Wipes his nose.] You guys were all yelling at me, you know?  
Dee: Yeah we know and you know what? We’re on your side now.  
Charlie: Really?  
Dee: Yeah, and we need your help with something.  
Charlie: Why?  
Dee: You know her best right? We have a plan to help you help her.  
[Dennis and Mac are arguing over who gets to write on the board.]  
Charlie: Guys I got this. [Takes the chalk. Writes some gibberish on the top of the board.]  
Dee: What the hell is that.  
Charlie: Her name, duh.  
[Makes no sense at all.]  
Dee: Charlie let someone else write.  
Charlie: Fine. [Gives it to Mac.]  
Dennis: Now tell us about her. Where does she like to go?  
Charlie: We go to the park-  
Dee: Not dates. Just everyday shit. Homes. Stores…  
Charlie: She’s lived in the same place for ten years.  
Dennis: Great, Mac write down burn down apartment.  
Charlie: What!  
Dee: The minute she remembers any of the stuff you used to do you’re in deep shit, so if we keep her away from everything she used to do them she can’t have something make her remember.  
Charlie: You can’t just burn down her apartment!  
Mac: He’s right we need to burn down her old coffee place too.  
Charlie: No! The doctor said she probably won’t get all her memories back anyway.  
Dee: We only care about a select few memories anyway Charlie, and if she remembers any of that shit you’re boned.  
Charlie: Well… then what else do we have to do?  
Dennis: She can’t come to the bar anymore, that’s for sure. She really shouldn’t be around any of us at all.  
Charlie: Yeah that’s cool. You guys are jerks to her anyway. [Awkward silence.] What?  
Dennis: Charlie that includes you.  
Charlie: No… no I’m…  
Dennis: You have the highest potential to trigger old memories dude.  
Charlie: No…  
Dennis: You have a choice to make dude. And not an easy one. I don’t envy you normally, and especially not now.  
[Charlie shakes his head, makes a squeaky noise, runs out the front door.]  
Mac: Shit dude…  
Dee: This got real heavy real fast Dennis.  
Dennis: Come on guys, it’s the truth. Either way it can’t work. She remembers him when he’s there and she dumps him in the best case scenario and jail in the worst, or he stays away and she doesn’t remember and, hey, he got to kiss her so he gets a silver lining.  
Dee: More like a pop can in the sewer drain.  
Dennis: He’ll get over it.


	5. Chapter 5

[Waitress’ apartment.]  
[She’s sitting on the stoop.]  
[Charlie runs up, he’s winded and sad looking.]  
Waitress: Say, was our first date on a beach?  
Charlie: What? Um… yeah, yeah I guess so. We talked all night and fell asleep.  
Waitress: I remember sand and… this green thing.  
Charlie: You have me something you found in the sand.  
Waitress: It feels really foggy. [Frowns.] Are you okay?  
Charlie: Yeah just… rough day y’know? [Rubs his hands together.] I gotta say something.  
Waitress: Okay?  
Charlie: We… [Groans.] We should… do you want to go to the fair?

[Fairgrounds.]  
Charlie: [Talking fast.] I like baseball how about you? Of course you do who doesn’t. But sometimes they have this game and you throw and-  
Waitress: Fast Pitch?  
Charlie: You remember?  
Waitress: I know what it is.  
Charlie: [Stops.] Well uh… Want to play some games?  
Waitress: You’re sure you’re okay?  
Charlie: Yeah… yeah… no. My friends are getting on my case about stuff is all. Don’t worry about it okay? Say, is that a dunk tank?

[Dennis and Mac’s apartment.]  
[Dennis and Mac are carrying a couch.]  
Dennis: Remind me why I believe you when you said you could help carry?  
Mac: You’re not pulling your weight. [His end is nearly on the ground.]  
Dennis: You’re the one dragging on the floor! Lift Mac for God’s sake!  
Mac: It’s fine bro we’re nearly there. [Straining.]  
Dennis: It’s not fine [Kicks the open door wider.] and if you hurt your back I swear-  
[They set down the couch. Mac shots and grabs his back.]  
Mac: Dude it messed me up! Shit!  
Dennis: Jesus, here lie down we have a couch now.  
Mac: Can you crack my back? [Face down.]  
Dennis: Sure. [Steps onto the couch and gently stands on Mac’s back.]  
[Cell phone rings.]  
Dennis: Hello?  
Dee: Where are you assholes?  
Dennis: Moving a couch.  
Mac: Shit Den that feels good.  
Dee: Was that Mac?  
Dennis: You know how he is.  
Mac: Ah! Yes!  
Dee: What the hell are you two doing?  
Dennis: I’m stepping on him. [Shifts his weight.]  
[Audible crack.]  
Mac: Fuck!  
Dee: I guess if that’s what you’re into. Just get back here. Charlie showed up and he’s moping around.  
Mac: [Gasping.] Thanks dude.  
Dennis: Anytime buddy. We’ll be there in ten, Dee.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Charlie’s weepy at the bar.]  
[Dennis and Mac enter.]  
Mac: It was for the best dude.  
Charlie: What?  
Mac: You… you broke up with the Waitress right?  
Charlie: No?  
Dee: Then why are you crying!?  
Charlie: We went to the fair! A beach! I followed her home but nothing worked!  
Dee: Wait what?  
Charlie: Well, if I can do everything I used to and she doesn’t remember then I’m good right? Then we can be together and you’ll stop calling me worse than Dennis.  
Dee: It’s still true, but okay. Still doesn’t explain why you’re sad.  
Charlie: Because she remembered being on a beach. And some of the other stuff about me, sort of.  
Dennis: So, you’re trying to get her to remember dude?  
Charlie: I don’t want her to remember but… dude I don’t want her to do it like, years from now. What if we have kids dude?  
Dennis: Well first you have to bang-  
[Bar door slams open.]  
Waitress: Charlie?  
[He squawks and dives behind the bar.]  
Waitress: Goddamnit Charlie, why’d you ditch me?  
Charlie: [Peeks up.] Huh? Um… well…  
Waitress: You’ve been weird all week. What the hell is your problem?  
Charlie: Nothin- ah! [Dee pulls his hair.] Jeez Dee that hurt.  
Waitress: Was it these guys? Because I’m pretty sure your friends are assholes Charlie.  
Charlie: Well…  
Dennis: We’re right here, you know.  
Waitress: Go cry to McConaughey.  
Mac: Dude you never told her the truth?  
Dennis: Not important. Charlie, you’re not really going to let her say this shit are you?  
Charlie: Well it’s kind of true dude.  
Waitress: Let’s go Charlie.  
[Charlie follows her out of the bar.]  
Dee: What the hell was that?  
Dennis: Nothing good.  
Mac: Seriously dude, McConaughey?  
Dennis: Alright alright alri-oof! [Dee elbowed him in the stomach.]

[Waitress’ apartment.]  
Waitress: Do you want to do anything?  
Charlie: [Flops onto the couch.] Naw. I’m pretty tired.  
Waitress: Well you don’t have to sleep out here if you don’t want.  
Charlie: Really? [She nods.] Uh… do you mean sleep or… [Makes hand gestures.]  
Waitress: Whichever you want.  
Charlie: Really? Um… huh. Okay.


	6. Chapter 6

[Next morning.]  
[Charlie is dressed and wearing a robe over his weird sleep clothes. He’s making breakfast.]  
Waitress: [Full flannel pajamas.] Morning.  
Charlie: Oh hey. You didn’t have any peanut butter but I found pancake stuff.  
Waitress: Okay. [She picks up a CD from the table.] Is this that music you made?  
Charlie: Oh yeah! That’s the music from the play thing I made. It’s pretty catchy.  
Waitress: Why’d you make a musical?  
Charlie: Oh, you know…  
[She’s putting it into her CD player.]  
Charlie: I just really wanted to do it you know? Channel my creative stuff into something-  
[Main theme from Nightman begins. Instrumental only.]  
Waitress: This sounds kind of familiar.  
Charlie: Yeah? Well maybe it’s… oh shit-  
~Dayman oh woah oh. Fighter of the Night Man.~  
[Waitress drops the CD case.]  
Charlie: Uh… you okay?  
[She’s shocked. Looks up. Angry face turns livid.]  
Waitress: GET OUT!  
Charlie: What? But, but I-  
Waitress: DAMN YOU CHARLIE! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! HOW DARE YOU?  
Charlie: I-I-I- [Bolts.]  
Waitress: I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Frank walks in sunburned and carrying tequila.]  
Dee: Where the hell have you been?  
Frank: Tijuana getting drunk and banging whores.  
Dennis: Slutty women or prostitutes.  
Frank: A little of both.  
Mac: That’s what I expected. [Charlie enters.] Hey du...de?  
Charlie: [Didn’t change clothes.] Shit shit shit… [Walks past everyone to go to the back office. Opens the door and is already to the vent.]  
Mac: Charlie!  
Frank: What’s with him?  
Dee: One guess? She remembered he’s a creepy stalker.  
Frank: That’s still going on?  
Dennis: Probably not anymore.  
Mac: He’s in his bad room.  
Frank: To the roof. Deandra get ready to crawl.  
Dee: Damnit you guys! I’m not going in the vents!

[Dee in the vent with a radio.]  
Dee: Now what?  
Frank: Hang left… or maybe right.  
Dee: You boners better not get me lost.  
Dennis; You know what this is stupid. [Takes radio.] Abort mission Dee.  
Dee: What! Dennis I swear I’ll-  
Dennis: He’s not coming out and honestly, this gives him time before the police arrest him.  
Mac: They can’t get him out either though. No one knows the vents like Charlie.  
Dennis: Yeah, but if they come by I have to tell them he’s here.  
Mac: What? Why?  
Dennis: Well if cops start sniffing around here those bench warrants may pop up in conversation and I don’t feel like dealing with that. We don’t need two of us in jail.  
Mac: If you’re both in jail I’m going too.  
Dennis: Sure go to prison with us. It’ll be fun. Say Dee? [Into radio.] Want to go to prison too? Mac wants to join in.  
Mac: She’s already got a shitton of guy costumes.  
Dennis: I’m going to punch some holes in your plan here before you get too excited about it. One, they make you strip so the whole disguise won’t last. Two, if she does get inside she’ll be gang banged for sure.  
Dee: I don’t want any part of that. [From radio.]  
Mac: I don’t buy it. She’s so bony. I don’t care how long it’s been since they’ve seen a woman. None of those badasses want Dee.  
Dennis: Why risk more time when they’re perfectly content tearing up each other’s assholes.  
Mac: It’s establishing dominance Dennis.  
Dennis: Your dad’s real good at it too. Maybe you inherited that skill.  
Mac: I hope so, dude.  
Dee: Are you two done? Will you Goddamn help me out of this shithole?  
Dennis: You’ll figure it out.  
[Dee shrieks.]

[Dee’s apartment.]  
Charlie: Dee I don’t want to get more cats out of your wall.  
Dee: Yeah that was a lie Charlie just sit down.  
[Dee goes into her bedroom. Comes out with a VHS.]  
Charlie: Oh shit do you make sex tapes?  
Dee: Oh my God no. We taped you and the Waitress.  
Charlie: But we didn’t-  
Dee: Don’t care. Just, here. Watch if you want.  
[Dee leaves.]  
[Charlie pops in the VHS.]  
[Project Badass.]  
Mac: [Karate bullshit.] Today I’m-  
[Cuts out to the fountain.]  
[It’s grainy and shaky but it’s the first date he had with Waitress.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Three days later.]  
Mac: So no cops at all?  
Charlie: Nope.  
Dennis: This makes no Goddamned sense. It was two months of you never leaving her side, banging-  
Charlie: We didn’t bang, dude.  
Dennis: Missed opportunity.  
Mac: Still gonna stalk her dude?  
Charlie: I don’t know, man. It’s not the same.  
Dee: There’s plenty of girls out there. Just please don’t stalk them before you ask them out, because they will definitely call the cops on you.  
Dennis: Honestly you should be in jail. Why didn’t she call the cops?

[Waitress’ apartment.]  
[She’s angrily shoving photos and what appear to be Charlie’s things in a box.]  
[A photo booth strip lands on the floor.]  
Waitress: [Stares at it.] God damnit Charlie.  
[She picks it up.]

[Cut to Charlie’s hand in the same pose, holding an identical strip. He pins it on his wall.]

[End Theme.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcannon time.  
> So, I genuinely like Charlie/Waitress, but I also am fully aware that no woman in her right mind would agree to dating someone that stalked them for like, 15 years.  
> And partway through the initial writing of this I realized that it still wouldn't work at all and got sad.


End file.
